To have somebody…

A couple of months back, I witnessed a commonplace and yet so extraordinary scene…it etched on my mind forever. The day started as any other, in fact tad on a surly side. Stuck in traffic, with deadlines and meetings looming in my head, I just looked out of the window..and there it was…

The commonplace part…An extremely dirty and unkempt man stood on the pavement, the kind you find lying on roadsides in a drunken stupor, the kind you don’t glance twice at, the kind you walk/drive away from while maintaining a distance..

The extraordinary part…A small woman, neatly dressed, stood in front of him, reprimanding him, but at the same time, brushing his hair with her fingers, straightening his shirt, trying to bring some semblance of order to an otherwise disheveled appearance. And the big dirty guy, just stood there quietly, head bowed, listening to her, like an errant boy getting admonished…

And in that very moment, I was grateful. Grateful that even a ‘nobody’ like him had somebody to take care of him. I don’t think he gives much back in whatever relationship he had with that woman. And are’t relationships becoming just that…an exchange…give and take…keeping mental notes on what i do for him and what he does for me…How we just tend to take our family and friends for granted, don’t even acknowledge the blessing of just having someone who cares for us in an otherwise large and impersonal world.

It’s truly a blessing…just to have somebody…

To be or not to be…

As long as I remember, I have believed in the theory that the ‘your world is what you think it is and what you make of it’…it’s just an extension of your thoughts and beliefs. You think it’s full of thieves, then that’s what you’ll encounter…you think it’s full of good genuine people, then those are the ones who’ll surround you.

This belief led me to live on some principles…helped me be a trusting and transparent person, who won’t intentionally harm anyone…ever. I keep telling myself, even if people around me don’t get me, find me too naive, a pushover or even a fool,  the universe gets me, and will reciprocate in kind. And for most of my life, it has…

But every now and then, things happen unexpectedly…betrayals, false promises, lies…and shake me up a bit. And I start questioning my self..is it true that it’s a jungle out there? One should be cautious and not open up to everyone? I should be more demanding, more practical, more diplomatic, create a false front…not really let others see me. Especially in the professional life..I have been getting this kind of feedback from friends, family, even my managers..

Problem is I don’t know how to create another front. How does a person change once he steps out of his house, and then change back again in the evening? What is exactly this professional life? A place and people where I spend 1/3rd of my daily life, which helps me contribute to a purpose, which helps me earn a livelihood….how can it be anything but personal?

And whenever I’ve tried to do so…I just don’t like the person I start to become…and I return back to my old self…opening myself once again…trusting the world once again…and I guess, readying myself to get hurt once again…

Moments with our little ones…

Took my 3 year old daughter for a movie yesterday, a 3D cartoon animation. For the next 2 hours, we sat in a dark theatre, staring at a large screen…colors flashing, music blazing, munching overpriced junk snacks. While on our way back my hubby commented “This is not the life I want to give my kid”, and the sentiment resonated deep inside me.

On the surface it was so ‘normal’…doing what generally people do…going out for a movie. We spent the evening with our kid…but did we? No conversations, no peek-a-boo, no hugs, no ‘catch me if you cans’, no messy clothes, no crayon scribbles, no story times….just a big screen with rolling images!

So here is the plan for next weekend: A morning planting flower bulbs; an afternoon splashing in the pool…laughing till our tummies ache; an evening sharing a home cooked meal…with our kiddo as Sous-Chef; a night with dancing in our PJs on bed and stories about kings, horses and somehow Mowgli (from jungle book) entwined in…

Where am I?

Where am I in all this? That’s a question I’ve been asking myself for years….

Writing, counselling, speaking, teaching…these are some of the many things I have in my ‘someday’ list. But for the last 11 years, I have been living anything but. Trying to find myself amidst reports, deadlines, daycare schedules and paying bills.  I don’t regret my choices, nor have anything against working in a corporate environment. Despite the stigma associated with it, corporate environments are fulfilling in their own way. But have come to a point where I can’t fight this emptiness inside me anymore.

So here I am…nearly 35, leaving my corporate life for a while. Apprehensive, scared, hopeful, elated, endeavoring to find authenticity and meaning…